Seventeen rehabs. Each one was different “this time”. In every rehab I completed, I had every intention of staying sober. Sometimes, I made it to five or six months, while others, I didn’t make it 24 hours.

Each time, the goal was to remain sober. Each rehab felt different; this rehab would be the one that worked. I’d learn something about myself or gain a new perspective, and something would click. I would think, “I had my aha moment, my spiritual awakening. I’m finally gonna beat this.” Nevertheless, relapse would eventually come.

Was I lying to myself? Did I wish it into existence? Did I genuinely think it was different this time, or did I want it so badly that I tried to convince myself? I would tell family members, “It’s different this time. I feel different. I’m thinking differently. Etc.” They would say, “That’s what you said last time and the time before that.”

How do you respond to that? It hurts—a blow to fragile confidence in early sobriety.

It never drove me to relapse, but it felt like people didn’t support me. I wanted to beat this thing so badly, and any criticism hurt. I would answer, “I know I’ve said it before, but this time it’s because….” Inserting whatever new understanding came to me. Then, when I finish treatment, I relapse, sometimes within 24-48 hours.

Now, I’m a liar in their eyes. To them, I’m just saying what people want to hear. I’m working the system.

But I was sincere. I wasn’t lying. Those times when I relapsed that quickly, I had every intention of getting back on the wagon.

My thoughts were, “One last time. No one will know. I’ll have one last fling, the bottle and me, then hop on the wagon again and do the sober thing. No one will find out. I can control it this time. I’ve had 30 days clean. See, I can control it.”
A week, a month or two later, the wagon was long gone, and I was hanging onto life by a thread, back to treatment to start the cycle over.

I’m 8 months sober now, having just left long-term treatment. About a month before I left, a friend told me, “You know what’s different this time? You haven’t told me what’s different.”

Wow!

I realized I hadn’t told anyone what was different this time. I’m just doing things differently instead of telling people. My thinking is different. I’m learning to live in the “Now” instead of the past or future. My mind is clear. I haven’t been this sober since I was 18.

Upon leaving rehab, I was struck with the reality that things aren’t different for those who are close to me. To them, this is the same routine. Leave rehab, go to sober living, and then….

They will worry when I don’t respond to a text, cancel plans, or say I’m having a hard time.

I have to do things differently. I have to be vigilant to provide reassurance when those things happen. I’m asking them to have faith where history hasn’t provided evidence. I have to provide proof of the change in me. I have to build trust and faith.

Because it is different this time.

I’m not just saying it’s different; I’m doing it different.

Thanks for reading.

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-DeSha