I thought I knew my values and beliefs and had always known them, until someone asked:
“Do you live them?”
I grew up a Christian. I didn’t go to church until I attended a Christian school in the 6th grade. My parents let me decide what I believed in. I had customary Christian beliefs: Love, kindness, respect, trust, helping others, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t steal, work hard, give everything your best, obey the law—all the normal ones. Overall, I felt like a good person. I considered myself to be a decent human being. I tried to treat everyone with respect. I was agreeable and got along with almost everyone.
In recovery, one of the things that is drilled home is establishing values and beliefs. For a long time, it went over my head. I glossed over them time and time again. We would have worksheets that would ask us about our values and beliefs. They would provide a list to help define them. I would think, “I don’t need a list to figure out my beliefs and values. I’m 46 years old, do you think I made it this far without knowing?” I would list my values: honesty, trust, family, love, discipline, and dedication. Every treatment center I went through, I had a values and beliefs session. I listed the same ones over and over, until I finally had a counselor call me out.
“You list these things, but do you live them?”
“Sober I do.”
“How often are you sober?”
“Not very often.”
“So, if you aren’t sober very often, you aren’t living by your values or beliefs.”
Damn, got me. He was right. Years and years, I was hardly ever sober.
“Did you lie when you were drinking?
“Yes.”
“Did you ever steal for alcohol?
“No.”
“What about time? Did you steal time from your daughter, wife, or job?”
“I never thought about it that way.”
“Did you break the law?”
“Obviously. I drove drunk.”
“Trust, dedication, discipline? Did you ever say you were going to do something and not do it, because you wanted to drink or were too drunk?”
And like that…They’re gone. Poof.
The values and beliefs I thought I held and lived were no more. They had been a figment of my imagination.
So, now, this value and beliefs session has grabbed my attention.
What does it mean to have values and beliefs?
What are my values and beliefs?
I’ve got a thing for definitions. I’ve come to find out that I think I know what something means, but when I try to define it, I can’t quite come up with it. So, I like to look things up.
The Oxford Dictionary defines
Value:
val·ue
/ˈvalyo͞o/
Noun plural noun: values
- the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
- a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.
Belief:
be·lief
/bəˈlēf/
noun
- an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.
- trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something.
Now, I really don’t know what values and beliefs are. After reading and rereading the definitions over and over, I came to understand that values are what’s important in life, my principles, and how I behave. Belief is trust, faith, and confidence in anything.
It’s not entirely clear to me, but it’s a little less fuzzy.
So, then I asked myself, “How do I want people to view me?”
Kind, loving, honest, reliable, respectful, trustworthy, dedicated, hardworking, doesn’t know a stranger, straight-shooter, faithful, disciplined, great father, family man, bends over backwards for others, joyful.
That’s how I want to be perceived, and to be perceived that way, I have to live that way. That sounds like values.
Then I asked myself, “What do I believe in this world?”
I believe in love, kindness, and honesty, that everyone deserves respect and the basics of life, and that no one is better or worse than anyone else. Deep down, I believe everyone is good.
That sounds like trust, faith, and confidence in the world I live in.
Through those definitions and questions, I started to understand my values and beliefs.
That understanding gives me a direction in life and a way to live. Knowing my values and beliefs, living by them, and expecting those I consider close to me to share them allows me to become the best me possible. People close to me who share the same values and beliefs hold me accountable and keep me honest.
Now I know my values and beliefs, and I try my best to live by them everyday, practicing progress over perfection.
-DeSha
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